25/11/2011
For many of us, the natural inclination is to take good things for granted and to focus attention on shortcomings and failures. This can apply to how we think about ourselves, or to close relationships, or to life in general. Sometimes the negatives expand to fill the whole picture, and relationships can become poisonous.
Positive parenting reinforces in children the sense that they are lovable, competent, acceptable, desirable to others, and worthy of attention and respect. We can build positive relationships and rescue damaged ones by deliberately noticing and commenting on something positive about the other person on a regular basis, and certainly more often than we criticise them.
If you find it awkward or embarrassing to be positive, it might be because you haven’t been getting much positive attention in your life and so you’re not used to giving it. With practice it will feel more natural. Sometimes you have to look hard to see a positive!
On the other hand, if you believe that children and adolescents should do the right thing no matter what, and that they don’t deserve any praise when they do (but should be criticised when they don’t), you unwittingly reinforce the negative by giving all your attention to problems. As a parent/carer, you also invite either defiance or resentful submission, as most people don’t want anything to do with a person whose only word for them is a bad one.
Suggestion: notice and comment on a positive today.
Having Good Arguments
How does a parent/carer help resolve conflicts?
It’s simple, really: “Just do what I tell you! (because I said so!)” and it’s solved. As we know, things don’t work that easily in practice. To be an effective problem solver requires willingness, time, skill and maturity – not quite so simple.
The first step is to see the need and make the time. Obvious, surely? Well, often it’s easier (in the short term) to avoid addressing the problem at all. You just hope it will disappear by itself; you distract yourself in other ways; you blame the other person (so therefore you don’t have to change); you cut the other person off emotionally; you withdraw; you fight; you resort to alcohol or other drugs to feel better; you see yourself as the victim.
You worry that if you did try to solve things that you’d lose the argument and the other person would win; you worry about losing control, especially of anger; you worry that you’ve never done successful problem solving before. So there’s plenty of reasons not to try at all!
Suggestion: consider if there is a problem you know needs solving, and your readiness to adopt a win-win rather than a win-lose solution.
What about finding the time to resolve problems? If you’re reading this, you’re probably a rare person! Busy lives make it harder to stop and address issues because the press of events is so great. But Steven Covey reminds us that one of the best things we can do is to give enough time to important, non-urgent matters.
The Conflict Resolution Network suggests these steps to problem solving: (1) be willing to fix the problem; (2) say what the problem is for you; (2) listen to what the problem is for them; (3) attack the problem, not the person; (4) look for answers so everyone gets what they need. So simple, yet it can be tough in practice if you haven’t been doing it, and every one of those four steps takes some skill.
Unfortunately, our usual tactics in arguments are not allowed!: name calling, put downs, sneering, blaming, threats, hitting, bringing up the past, making excuses, not listening, getting even. These ‘fouls’ just make people more frustrated than when they started. As soon as you start to get defensive or use the fouls, you’re on the road to having a bad argument. And they’re so fulfilling, aren’t they?
Listening
A scene from Malcolm in the Middle: Eldest son Francis, at home from the reform academy on ‘holidays’, is doing inventory work at the supermarket under the incompetent Craig. He comes home late and says to his parents:
Francis (upset): Do you people have any idea of what this kind of mindless labour does to a person? It kills your soul, it turns your mind into jelly, and it crushes your spirit to dust!
Mum (deadpan): Oh, Craig called. He wants you there tomorrow at 7 instead of 8.
Dad (turning to walk away): And can you keep it quiet when you get up in the morning? I’m sleeping in. [Francis speechless; cut to next scene].
The situation is amusing precisely because the parents don’t listen at all. Their son’s frustration goes totally unacknowledged. They have other things on their minds. We know from watching each week that they do care about Francis, but they don’t show it by listening here. Truly listening is one of the best ways we have to show we care about someone else.
“Listening is like pure gold”, says broadcaster Caroline Jones (no relation to Alan). Why? Because it’s both rare and extremely valuable. Good listening allows us to stand in the shoes of the other person, see the world from their point of view, and then communicate that understanding back to them. That’s what empathy is about. If you’ve ever felt that someone understood you without trying to change you or tell you what to do, then you’ve had some ‘pure gold’.
Three ideas for good listening:
1. Restate the sender’s message in your own words so they can tell you if you’ve got it or not.
2. Use phrases like “You feel…,” “You think…,” “Let me see if I understand what you’re saying…”
3. Don’t show approval or disapproval of the sender’s message, just make sure you’ve got it right (you can rush to judgment later).
Short test: Your child comes home upset, saying he/she has had an argument with friends. Your best response is:
a) I can’t understand it – your friends are so nice.
b) Never mind, I’m sure it will work out.
c) I can see you’re really upset about this.
d) Just wait till I phone their parents!
e) Why don’t you tidy your room now?
(Answer: C)
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap: every magazine is full of it.
And I can DO for myself; I’m not helpless.
When you do something for me
that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact
that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I quit trying to convince you and I can start
to understand what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious
and I don’t need advice.
So please listen and just hear me,
and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn,
and I’ll listen to you.
A link between spirituality and behaviour
Have you ever wondered what difference having a spiritual grounding might make to the behaviour of young people? We know that in adolescence young people start to question their beliefs and to decide which values are important to them. Sometimes young people come to counselling asking about the big questions of life. What do you hope they will believe?
A few years ago Geraldine Doogue from the ABC interviewed Dr James Garbarino, co-director of the Family Life Development Center, at Cornell University, USA, and an atheist. Some quotes from him:
“The more I see the more I appreciate the significance and the power of spiritual development in children’s lives, in adult’s lives and even the whole society because particularly in the work that led up to this book Lost Boys and Kids Who Kill I think it was hammered home over and over again that kids who are spiritually empty – which means they don’t have a sense that there is a purpose and meaning to life, who essentially view themselves as purely existing in a material plain without some spiritual dimension to their life – are at greater risk, because this hole in their heart can easily be filled by the dark side of the culture, because they don’t naturally come to a sense of limits on their behaviour, because they have no place to stand emotionally when they get sad.
“So I think you know that coupled with the growing body of research that says kids who are involved in spiritually, developing activities which can be in a religious setting but also can come outside of religion, the kids who are getting that sense of that life has meaning and there is sacredness in life and not everything is the same, do to some degree show that they are buffered from these negative influences of drugs and alcohol and violence and irresponsible sex and the rest of it. So I think that body of research coming face to face with these sort of clinical experiences to me is very persuasive that here is an important resource.”
Autonomy
Psychologist Jeffrey Young proposes four fundamental elements in our upbringing, one of which is the development of autonomy. This is the sense that one can function independently in the world without continuous support from others; the ability to express needs, interests, opinions, preferences, feelings; a sense of integrity and control within ourselves physically, mentally and psychologically; the belief that the environment is safe; not being hypervigilant to threat.
Children need parents who let them express their autonomous needs, and act on them without undue restriction, punishment, or withdrawal of support. They need assistance to function independently without excessive encouragement; assurance that they are healthy, robust, and that the world is safe; freedom to express the full range of emotions including anger; and given responsibilities to undertake on their own.
A lack of autonomy can show in a number of ways, including vulnerability to harm and illness, fear of losing self-control, always putting one’s needs second, lack of individuation, and feelings of dependency. Parents who over-protect, warn of exaggerated dangers and risks, worry excessively themselves, and fail to give enough independent responsibility encourage unhelpful understandings of the world. At the other extreme, parents who give little guidance, direction, or support also make development of autonomy difficult.
The lack of encouragement when children begin to express their opinions, needs and desires is also a problem, especially if such expression is punished. Parents who do not model the healthy expression of emotions around their children make it harder for their children to learn this skill. So, to the catwalk! Modelling time!
Expectations and Limits
In a July newsletter we looked at how parents develop Autonomy in their children, Autonomy being one of the four fundamental elements proposed by psychologist Jeffrey Young as being essential to healthy development. The last of the four elements concerns reasonable expectations and realistic limits.
We all need the ability to set realistic, achievable standards for ourselves and others, especially regarding performance and achievement. We also need the ability to discipline ourselves, to control our impulses, and to take the needs of others into account.
A sense of limits comes from an environment that is neither too demanding nor too permissive. Children then learn self-control and concern for others. Parents let them know they are loved even though they are imperfect (think back to those exam results and reports!), help them learn to accept their own limitations, and develop a sense of obligation to others, so that they are neither too selfish nor too self-sacrificing.
Problems arise when there is too much or too little self-control, or standards that are too high or too low. Children carry into their adult lives schemas (world-views that are accepted by the person as true) such as unrelenting standards when parents place a higher priority on achievement than on happiness, and children have to earn their parents’ love by high achievement. Schemas such as entitlement and insufficient self-control arise when children are over-indulged, praised inordinately, allowed to do what they want without regard for the needs of others, not taught that relationships need sharing and reciprocity, and not taught how to deal with defeat or frustration.
It’s common in counselling sessions for students to complain that their parents are too strict. But for others – whose friends are shocked to hear it – the absence of parental limits leaves them feeling unhappy that their parents don’t care. The friends think ‘no limits’ would be wonderful, but those who experience it tend not to agree.
How would you rate yourself on expectations and limits?
Authoritative Parenting
We know that authoritative parenting (not authoritarian!) is related to good school performance, high self-reliance, a low level of psychological distress, infrequent involvement in delinquent activity, high self-control of emotions and a stable working career. We also know that low self-control, typified by aggression, can be modified by effective child rearing.
Furthermore, we know that poor school performance is associated with a number of negative consequences including long-term unemployment.
Authoritative parents consider the child’s developmental needs and tasks and provide the child with both emotional support and age-appropriate demands. A good parental relationship is important to the child’s well-being and is reflected in many spheres of life.
Parents can help by accepting their children, supervising their behaviour appropriately, and encouraging psychological autonomy. By supporting the development of prosocial skills, parents help protect their children from exclusion by their peers. Peer rejection is one of the most important factors explaining poor adjustment and even delinquency. It is not just the presence of aggression but also the absence of more positive features that leads to children’s rejection by their peers. Parental support and supervision, as well as encouraging involvement in school, can channel aggressive children into a more positive developmental pathway.
A potential explanation for the positive effects of authoritative parenting among aggressive children might be that authoritative parents are more interested in their children’s school performance than less authoritative parents. Of course we are all leading busy lives, but it is still surprising how some parents allow themselves to kept in the dark about messages from teachers in their child’s diary, parent-teacher nights, the issuing of reports, and unauthorised absences of their children from school. Allowing children to stay home from school too easily may also send the message that school is not important – and that is a risky message for a child to receive.
Instant Gratification versus Resilience
In a previous column on expectations and limits we talked about a way of being in the world called entitlement. There are several roads to ‘entitlement’, one of which is growing up expecting instant gratification – wanting pleasure and rewards right now! A recent talk by Margot Prior, Professor of Psychology at the University of Melbourne, discussed how instant gratification does not help young people to bounce back from life’s difficulties.
Increasingly, our society encourages the expectation of instant pleasure. US psychologist Walter Mischel in the 1970s showed that young children varied in their capacity to wait. You may have seen the fascinating (and funny) footage of children being placed alone in an uninteresting room with a marshmallow in front of them, trying not to eat it so they would get a larger reward later.
Some couldn’t wait at all; others were able to distract themselves and control their impulses; some complained angrily to be relieved of this problem; at least one had a small bite and replaced the remainder hoping it wouldn’t be noticed!
Can you guess the links between the ability to delay gratification and later healthy functioning? Who would be better at attending to and persisting with a task, adapting to changing environments, and considering the needs and feelings of people around them? Who would have the capacity to withstand setbacks, to rise to a challenge, to find new ways of solving problems, to feel a sense of self-confidence in managing the social and material world, and to know that hardship can be overcome?
Indulging children encourages them to expect more than is reasonable and ‘protects’ them from realistic limits. On the other hand, developing the ability to wait, to earn something, to make do, and to find alternatives encourages a sense of valuing and appreciating things, of satisfaction for making something happen. It helps a child realise that it is not anyone else’s job to make them happy. It builds that ‘bouncing back’ ability called resilience.
Have you heard that some scientists are concerned that young Australians are being over-protected from dirt and germs? By obsessively removing these “risks” it seems that we have left children more vulnerable to problems such as asthma because their immune systems aren’t getting the necessary practice at building resistance. The psychological parallel is obvious.
The ability to control impulses can be developed. In Mischel’s marshmallow experiments some children covered their eyes so they wouldn’t see the temptation; some rested their heads on their arms; some talked to themselves, sang, even tried to sleep. Similar strategies can be used at any age. Daniel Goleman (of Emotional Intelligence fame) suggests that when faced with a temptation to act impulsively, we remind ourselves of our long-term goals.
Families: Independence and Closeness
“I will never be like that with my kids!” Many of us look at our own upbringing and make decisions about how it will be different we’re in charge. We know that relations between the generations can be difficult, and sitcoms old and new have mined that rich vein from Mother and Son to Malcolm in the Middle. When a parent/carer is emotionally reactive to a child’s behaviour – as distinct from responding in a more considered, thoughtful way – then chances are that something from outside the relationship is at work, sometimes an issue from the past.
One way of thinking about families focuses on the continual interplay between individuality and togetherness. When things are going well, a family can support both a sense of independence and separateness on the one hand and a feeling of connectedness and closeness on the other. Our previous column on Autonomy relates to this idea.
What if that balance is out of whack? For example, suppose a parent/carer is emotionally cut off from his or her family of origin. Such a parent/carer might need more closeness from their spouse or child, and be less able to tolerate a child’s need for distance or separateness. Perhaps they are more sensitive to signs that their child seems to be growing away from them (this sensitivity may not be in full conscious awareness), and more ready to interpret this normal adolescent phenomenon as alarming. They may react – rather than respond – by trying to deny their child opportunities to grow more independent by being overly strict about allowing them out, searching through their rooms, reading their private diaries and listening in to their phone conversations, keeping them away from school unnecessarily, defending them from the legitimate consequences of their actions, or not training them to take on responsibilities around the house.
When a child’s behaviour “presses our buttons”, it is time to look inward and understand what that reactivity is really about.
Temperament
Almost thirty years ago a large and representative sample of children in Victoria were included from birth in a study called the Australian Temperament Project. Their progress has been assessed about every two years since, measuring things such as health, family stress, schooling, reading, social behaviour, behavioural and emotional problems, peer relationships, and social responsibility.
Most parents recognise that their children were different from each other very early on – even in the womb – and the project has looked for links between temperament, parenting style, and a variety of outcomes for the children. Some of the dimensions of temperament are sociability, irritability, persistence, rhythmicity, reactivity, flexibility, and activity. For example, a baby high on sociability adjusts quickly to new surroundings, while a baby low on rhythmicity changes sleeping and eating patterns from day to day. These dimensions of temperament were found to apply from infancy to adolescence, and of course probably extend further.
What is a parent/carer to do when faced with a little person who already seems to have his or her own ways, especially if those ways are different from the parent/carer’s temperamental style? Temperament by itself doesn’t cause anything specific, but instead operates in the context of relationships, influencing responses from others. For instance, a child who is more inflexible and irritable than average poses a problem for parents. If parents consistently react negatively, it is easy to see how most interactions could become negative, leading to both sides having problems managing their aggressive feelings.
So while temperament is not destiny, it is influential; equally, how parents (and teachers) respond can also be influential in helping those children with more difficult characteristics to better adjust to their circumstances. [Reference: Australian Institute of Family Studies]
One area of investigation for the Australian Temperament Project concerns the pathways to adolescent anti-social behaviour and depression. Asking adolescents aged 15 and 16 about their behaviour, the investigators found 14 per cent were involved in four or more anti-social acts such as theft, vandalism or assault in the previous 12 months (62 per cent of these were boys, 38 per cent girls). About 20 per cent of this ‘anti-social’ group also had depressive symptoms.
Out of the whole group, 15 per cent had symptoms of a serious level of depression (75 per cent girls, 25 per cent boys). About 20 per cent of this ‘depressed’ group also had anti-social problems.
What you can see is quite a lot of kids have these problems, and that to be in either group raises the risk of being in the other group as well: that is, problems tend to cluster together, and we know that the more problems a young person has the greater their “at risk” status.
For the anti-social group, the strongest risk factors were previous oppositional behaviour, poor school adjustment, association with “deviant” peers at age 13-14, and low levels of parental monitoring of behaviour. For the depressed group, the risk factors were earlier anxiety problems, low attachment to family, and poor school adjustment at age 13-14. [Remember, these young people were tracked from birth].
Identifying these sorts of factors is useful if it helps parents become more alert to their children’s functioning. (It’s not useful if it makes parents feel blamed and burdened.) Since prevention is generally easier than cure, here are some rather obvious ideas (you probably do these things already): you might check out what exactly your child is doing at their friends’ places; you might notice whether your daughter has an anxiety problem which is causing her distress; you might take a closer interest in your son’s progress at school; you might consider the level of communication and closeness in the family. By providing early help and guidance, the development of serious problems may be averted.
Self-esteem
Bumper sticker: “Remember you are special – just like everyone else.”
There are two parts to self-esteem, says psychologist Martin Seligman. One is the “feeling good” part, and the other is the “doing well” part. The second leads to the first, not the other way around. Looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are lovable or special will not, by itself, increase self-esteem. Neither will hearing it from someone else, unless you believe it. Rather, we feel good about ourselves – our self-esteem improves – because of experiences of doing well, of success, of mastery. Seligman argues that trying to directly boost self-esteem so people will feel better is likely to be fruitless. The “feeling good” part will happen when our dealings with the world are going well; when, as Freud might say, love and work are satisfying. In other words, healthy self-esteem is a by-product of success, not something that can be changed directly.
What about experiences of failure? Certainly the “feeling good” part of self-esteem will suffer when we fail. That’s not so bad really, so long as we don’t give up trying. It’s not the failure itself so much as how we explain the failure to ourselves that has an important influence on self-esteem.
If this bad event is, in our minds, permanent and affecting many aspects of our lives, then we might tend to quit, to avoid things, and to conclude that we can’t make a difference. Then the “doing well” part of self-esteem will suffer. This could mean we are less likely to try next time around, so we experience less success, and thus our pessimism is reinforced. So, feeling bad is not a problem in itself unless we allow it to stop us doing what’s needed for success next time.
The optimistic child
A Wilcox cartoon has two blokes chatting. One says, “Let’s start an optimists’ club!” His mate replies, “It’ll never work.”
How come one person who has had dreadful experiences can still be positive about life, while another who seems to have everything is persistently negative? Are we born as optimists or pessimists, or made so by our experiences?
It’s probably both nature and nurture, and the nurture part we can do quite a lot about. The best-seller A Fortunate Life by Bert Facey described a very difficult upbringing in Western Australia during the Depression. But the title of the book reflects the way Bert saw himself in spite of the adversity. How do people do that?
The key seems to lie in our beliefs about what is happening and why it’s happening. Whether the glass is seen as half empty of half full does depend on how you look at it; the same experience can be read in different ways. A child sees two of her friends whispering to each other and looking at her. “They’re saying bad things about me – this is awful” is a possible negative interpretation; “I wonder what that’s about – Mary has been acting weird lately,” is quite a different way of looking at it. Over time we learn how to interpret such events, and, usually unconsciously, assume our interpretation is The Truth, when it’s just an interpretation.
Pessimists tend to interpret adversity as reflecting personally on them, as long-lasting or permanent, and applying not just to this situation but to lots of cases both now and in the future. Optimists tend to see adversity as being due to outside factors, temporary causes, and specific to this particular situation. It is possible to change thinking patterns to become more optimistic, and so become less likely to get depressed.
Teenagers and sexual activity
This would have to be one of the most difficult areas for parents and children to negotiate. As mentioned in our previous Counsellors’ Corner, the best way of communicating the values you believe are important is to live them out yourself, be prepared to talk openly with your children about why you think that way, and give clear guidelines about what you expect.
“If you ever come home and tell me you are pregnant then you will be out of this house!” This sort of statement, perhaps said to scare young people from sexual activity, is certainly clear, but often has the effect of closing communication about the subject, which is probably not what’s intended. It is possible to communicate disapproval without using scare tactics, and your children will likely take more notice.
Recent media discussion followed a survey of Australian teenage sexual behaviour which reveals there’s too much going on! A few of the commentators had some worthwhile things to say. Some points:
- “My advice is know what your teens are doing, where they are, who they are with… and let your teen know that you know - that’s a very powerful strategy,” says the director of the Centre for Adolescent Health in Melbourne, Dr George Patton.
- Victorian parenting expert, Michael Grose, says most of the time parents can steer kids in the right direction by simply making it difficult for them to do the wrong thing through putting up barriers to inappropriate activity.
- Teenagers who have “a strong sense of bonding, closeness and attachment to family” are less likely to initiate sex at an early age, according to research by Dr Michael Resnick, from the Adolescent Health Centre at the University of Minnesota. And, as mentioned in an earlier Counsellors’ Corner, children who thought religion and prayer was important also had a later age of sexual debut.
- Girls are more likely to delay first intercourse if they have better-educated mothers who communicate strong disapproved of early sexual activity and are actively engaged in their children’s lives. With the boys, the influence of fathers, siblings or peers appears to outweigh maternal influence.
Trust, secrets and rude shocks
How does a young person who is growing more independent come to a sense of their own values (which may differ from their parents’ values)? And how do parents facilitate that process? Furthermore, what is to be done when kids make mistakes, sometimes bad ones?
If children are to grow into independent adulthood, they cannot be clones of their parents. Yet parents can’t help feeling they are entirely responsible for how their kids turn out.
“My child would never lie/cheat/steal!” The first time a parent/carer realises their child has lied, cheated, stolen or offended in some way can be a shattering moment. Some refuse to believe it; the child’s behaviour contradicts the parent/carer’s values, and is seen as a reflection on the quality of their parenting. Holding the child responsible seems also to mean ‘I’ve failed as a parent/carer.’ But what kind of growth has no mistakes – by parent/carer or child – along the way?
“He’s fallen in with the wrong crowd.” As someone wisely commented, no one ever wants to admit that their child might be the wrong crowd.
“My daughter and I are like best friends.” Is this possible, and is it a good idea? There’s no getting away from the reality that parents are more than friends to their children. Like it or not, parents are in a position of responsibility and authority, regardless of how good the relationship is. Authoritative parents set boundaries in a way that friends do not. It’s also true that adolescents need to move away from parents to some degree to develop their own identity – how can they do that if their parents hold them too close?
“You can come and talk to me about anything.” (but don’t make it too alarming or I’ll have a fit!). How parents handle their children’s revelations has a big impact on whether or not any more disclosures will be forthcoming in the future. When kids get an over-reaction, they know what to do next time – keep their mouths shut or make up something. It’s also worth remembering that how parents talk about the behaviour of their child’s friends also matters. What is said on that occasion is then remembered later when the child is in a similar position themselves. Sometimes an adolescent will talk about “a friend” when they are really talking about themselves, just so they can check out a parent/carer’s reaction.
“How can I trust you after what you’ve done?” All you can do is decide to trust again. The whole point is that trust is only built over time, and if, in response to a betrayal, parents stop trusting, then development comes to a standstill, while tensions build to breaking point.
Breaches of trust are an inevitable part of learning to become an adult, and it’s not as if the adult world has got it perfectly right either.
Posted by Chris Wilson at 9:49 AM 
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